Day 12 almost marks the halfway point. And here I am spending another depressing weekend at home, but it's a little bit better because my cousin Zachary is here from Brooklyn. I was happy to see him sleeping on the couch with my cat tonight watching old films with my dad.
October has historically been a magical month for me, and I want to make sure that it continues to be so. That being said, I definitely have to make an effort to get out and enjoy it in full. I am mostly recovered from the break at this point besides the gaping hole in my life, and I think I really need to be proactive about changing that now.
I am going to take on Online Nutrition just to get that out of the way, and while I continue my chemistry course, I am going to seriously inquire at a few schools about applying for my masters in Quantitative Methods. This week I will make a goal to contact a few of my Temple Professors to just start words. What happened with nursing? I'm not done with it yet; rather, I want to provide ample opportunities to move out as quickly as possible. I realized recently, through starting with this chemistry course again, that while I love the idea of being a counselor or social worker, my life would be incomplete without math taking precedence again. I want to learn from my mistake of being a loser who sits at home eating year round and despising my penny-pincher job to make sure I can guarantee myself a future and be on the forefront of it.
It is cool that I have time to think about these things now that Brook is gone, sucking the life out of me. I'm still in the beginning stages of living of course, but I really am ready for change. That isn't vacation planning when I simply cannot vacation plan since life isn't planned out. The hard part is imagining him moving on, but I will be selfless in that way if he is.
So true ideas for future majors: biostatistics, nursing, physics, engineering, mathematics, quantitative methods, bioengineering, mechanical engineering, law
Ideas for future enjoyment: Philosophy club, pick up music lessons, pick up fitness class closer to home, vegan cooking
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Tuesday, October 2, 2018
Day 8
Twenty days left of no speaking. A week has already passed, and I'm not quite sure what to think. I've made some revelations about my life, whether they are good or bad--- I don't know.
For one, I think that after reading the energy vampire book, I most definitely think my mom fits the bill. Now that she doesn't have Brook to complain about, I just hear how she speaks about everyone else, and it drives me MAD. I'm tired of hearing the locust of her narcissistic thoughts getting directed at how terrible some of her coworkers are. I'm sure that they do indeed suck, but the way she talks about all the things she does right and how she hasn't done anything to escalate the situation is incredibly short-sighted. I know how she is with her glares, her coldness, and in ironic light to to how much she thinks others conspire against her and talk about her, her constant criticisms of everyone else. I don't know if I would find her personally tolerable to work with as I reflect upon things, and it seems like her clique of people is just as bad, although slightly less brusque, as the group she hates.
And I just have heard other homophobic and racist commentary out of her mouth lately that I've found intolerable. She may not realize it, but I find that I don't want to talk to her today because I heard her refer to someone as queer as an insult today. I don't find that acceptable at all.
So I've felt an increased need to escape this unhealthy environment, but I've also realized that escaping to the unhealthy environment that is governed by Brook doesn't resolve the situation. I just need to get away period.
My anxiety has been way down and it feels nice to have spare time-- almost too nice and too obvious that I need to restructure my schedule more so that I feel that I have power in my life again. I'm getting ready to make big changes if I can. I plan to actively apply to medical assistant jobs and consider CNA training over the winter break (if that pays more than genesis healthcare) to start getting my foot into the door to make this a reality. I have read mixed reviews about the field online, but it will keep me alive, which is kind of important right now. If I can find a good psych program with quantitative training for newbies, I will consider that too. But I really think it should be of value of me to use this time to fix my time.
And eat healthier since I now can. My pizza and cliff bars today was absolutely embarrassing. Oh well. I will do some walking tonight to work it off.
Brook, I really have no idea what you're doing now. But, I feel like when I assume the worse, than I am okay with this. When I think you may really miss me, I wonder. I wonder if you also may feel that you are better off too though. You could pursue someone who can do more than dead end jobs with a knack for ideas and brilliance. Who knows though. I wish all were different
For one, I think that after reading the energy vampire book, I most definitely think my mom fits the bill. Now that she doesn't have Brook to complain about, I just hear how she speaks about everyone else, and it drives me MAD. I'm tired of hearing the locust of her narcissistic thoughts getting directed at how terrible some of her coworkers are. I'm sure that they do indeed suck, but the way she talks about all the things she does right and how she hasn't done anything to escalate the situation is incredibly short-sighted. I know how she is with her glares, her coldness, and in ironic light to to how much she thinks others conspire against her and talk about her, her constant criticisms of everyone else. I don't know if I would find her personally tolerable to work with as I reflect upon things, and it seems like her clique of people is just as bad, although slightly less brusque, as the group she hates.
And I just have heard other homophobic and racist commentary out of her mouth lately that I've found intolerable. She may not realize it, but I find that I don't want to talk to her today because I heard her refer to someone as queer as an insult today. I don't find that acceptable at all.
So I've felt an increased need to escape this unhealthy environment, but I've also realized that escaping to the unhealthy environment that is governed by Brook doesn't resolve the situation. I just need to get away period.
My anxiety has been way down and it feels nice to have spare time-- almost too nice and too obvious that I need to restructure my schedule more so that I feel that I have power in my life again. I'm getting ready to make big changes if I can. I plan to actively apply to medical assistant jobs and consider CNA training over the winter break (if that pays more than genesis healthcare) to start getting my foot into the door to make this a reality. I have read mixed reviews about the field online, but it will keep me alive, which is kind of important right now. If I can find a good psych program with quantitative training for newbies, I will consider that too. But I really think it should be of value of me to use this time to fix my time.
And eat healthier since I now can. My pizza and cliff bars today was absolutely embarrassing. Oh well. I will do some walking tonight to work it off.
Brook, I really have no idea what you're doing now. But, I feel like when I assume the worse, than I am okay with this. When I think you may really miss me, I wonder. I wonder if you also may feel that you are better off too though. You could pursue someone who can do more than dead end jobs with a knack for ideas and brilliance. Who knows though. I wish all were different
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