Dear Brook,
It's been another month since I've talked to you again, and I miss you. Everything really is starting to feel like a strange dream, and time is really starting to pick up. I successfully did not contact you during Valentine's Day, nor did you say anything to me. It's easy for me to wonder whether or not it was difficult for you as it was for me, but I continue to wonder if it's all because I am the one in control here.
As I imagine myself being in control of this breakup, I keep the door closed. I keep that damn door shut because the flooding of emotions, stress-- Pandora's box, seems like a challenge not worth it to me. In fact, whenever I even imagine texting you, I already anticipate some sort of anger. I wouldn't know what to say and anxiety creeps in as I think of what has happened in times that have passed.
Since the last post, I have fallen deeper in love with Robby, and knowing that I cannot mull over our past since the future is here, I shut the door further and embrace the present. I want to give him all of me. His essence is truly pure love, and my time with him so far has given me a new reason to live. I feel completely at ease with him, and my desire to love him has brought about a new sense of gentleness in my soul. I notice in my moments with him a shift in dynamics where I feel more accepting and accepted of. I am not immediately in a defensive position upon seeing him like I was with you towards the end, but rather, I just feel like I could hug him and smile forever. It feels droll just to write that.
While I reminiscence on our adventures, I previously have questioned my role as a person of depth in your life juxtaposed to a person who plays a role in a scene that you imagine to be an ideal in your life. Was I a person you holistically loved? Or was I a person who fit the role of travel partner? I'm sure you may answer both. With Robby, I feel like I matter without all the extraneous wants in life. I think while it would be nice if he and I did adventure someday, we would have a good time without that. But all the good times we have had doing nothing have far surmounted everything else in life.
And so, I feel like myself again and I feel like I am choosing love.
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