December

Hey Brook,

I mean here we are. This is absolutely wild, but it feels okay. What is life now? Well, I don't know. In a sense it is a bad dream because it all feels unreal, but I think it is most certainly a wakeup call for me.

I realized recently that some of the only people who stay in contact with me are just flirtatious boys, and I think about the existential dread related to the idea that one day I will be old and they will be married, and we will most certainly not speak since these are temporary relationships by nature. I want an understanding of what isn't temporary, and I do genuinely hope that the bond we once formed is one of those things. I am going to work on what is stable in my life for now.

It's sad to me that at by what I consider the middle of our relationship, we were already starting to become strangers. I reread some of the things I wrote on here, and I realize that I genuinely did not get to fully see certain sides of you and your character development. I wish I knew you when you were in Wisconsin, and I wish I knew more of the Brook who lives and spends so much time in NYC. But I suppose this separation has started to lead me to feel my own soul again, and while I genuinely feel like I am in chaos, the creativity I'm starting to experience in my nights alone accidentally ignoring everyone and exacerbating my problems is somewhat exciting. This world right here that I'm experiencing-- I feel like it's something that you never really got to know, and for a while I shut it off. But it feels placid. I feel like if I clean up my messes, good things will happen still. That's a good feeling. But I need to try.

I am dating Robby now, and I feel love towards him. Maybe not the same kind of love I felt when I was swept off my feet by my still favorite person in the world, Ryan, but I think there's a powerful bond that I have with Robby. I like that he's carefree and cute and messy and plays guitar, much like how I described you back in the day. So maybe things complete a full circle. I am sorry I rejected you so hard, and I wish things were different. At the most, I hope you know that through this all, you are loved whole-heartedly. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Ride or die,
Jess