Day Three

Today was calmer, but none the less still a challenge. I got through the test and am accepting of any result, and I went to work with Dan for the first time in over a week. I noticed that I started singing on the car ride back tonight and felt a little at peace until I remembered that today is Thursday. I guess that means you're back for the weekend.

But then I had to juxtapose last week to this week. At this time last week, I had already got myself the strength to try to prove to you that you mean something to me, and despite any trepidation, I made my way down to your home for what I hoped to be a cozy night and the start of a new happy spin to what had been an ongoing issue in the relationship. But it only took until the moment for me to walk in for you to be upset with me. You were upset that I didn't show enough excitement when I saw you, and from there, you kept putting me on the spot whether or not I wanted to break up. And I sobbed all night, only for you to leave immediately in the morning.

The fact that you thought I didn't want to sleep over even felt worse. Today, I am genuinely sorry again that I did not seem super excited when you grabbed me, and while I wish I treated you better that night, I guess I'm glad I'm not in your presence with you projecting your frustrations on me. I hang on to the idea too much of what it would be like to just have peaceful merry conversations about a day's whereabouts without feeling like you weren't listening but rather teeming with some kind of anger. I wish I could arrive to your house not tense in worry.

And I wish I had a deeper and more secure relationship with you, and that there were things about me that you actually would have liked to learn about. C'est la vie..

Day Two

Day two has also sucked. I still feel like a terrible person, and I just wish I could have made you feel better. Made you feel less insecure and more capable of being happy. I wish that when I gave you hugs and the type of affection I have to offer, it was enough for you. But I feel deeply saddened that you still couldn't tell that I was there for you.

I uploaded the Bermuda photos today, and felt melancholic in the process. I see pain in the photos a little bit even though we tried our best to enjoy paradise. It hurts my feelings that when I asked you to upload our pictures, but instead you only uploaded five photos of just me; and not all of them are even in Bermuda. I wonder if it was an accident, but I also wonder if you were sending a passive aggressive message to me. Suggesting that I didn't care to see photos of you as well.

I wonder if I am silly for loving you. Like, I wonder if I should even regret this situation. When it becomes October 15th or so, will you be scrambling to fit in as many last minute plans in possible? Will this break become a relief to you?

I flitter back and forth between our unbreakable bond and reality. Today I read online that people who spend long times in long distance relationships tend to over-idealize their partners; do I do that to you and do you do that to me?  I try to imagine what will change when we are reunited. Would you even want to marry me? I am starting to look for that caliber of love and mystery, but I know you're a year younger than me and probably wouldn't realistically be ready for those connotations. I think I mostly would be if it weren't for this broke and worthless degree thing I have going. But I still would have to wonder if you would be comfortable being yourself currently as a married man.

Anyway, I have to keep this one short again. Tomorrow is my first chemistry exam. There's another thing I wish I was less selfish about; I don't feel like I need help, but I feel guilty that I kept resisting your offer. You kept saying, "you won't let your own boyfriend help you." I felt crummy when I heard that. I'm sorry that I said no. I hope tomorrow is the first day of many that I prove to myself my own worth.

I feel a chill down my left arm, and it's in my head, but I am imagining that an apparition from the spirit world is trying to provide me comfort tonight as I cry and write this. It wants to tell me that it can reach me because a demon has been extinguished from my life. And that I am loved by all the yin in the universe at this very moment.

I need to go to bed though, for the best interest of tomorrow. I hope to write a deep analysis on here soon, but for now, I still love you. I love your kind inner spirit, and I send you what love I have left in me.

Day Zero/Day One

The past day has honestly sucked for me. Some people who try to comfort me say that this is part of the process and that I'm normal to have feelings, but it feels worse than just feelings. I feel like I want to kill myself.

I'm too tired to write much for now, but to recap, I cried all night, dreamt about him and cried, woke up and cried, and tried to choke back tears as I encountered things throughout the day that triggered me. It was heartbreaking to watch couples hug and kiss on TV, and watch my lab partner text his girlfriend whose name is bedazzled with hearts on his phone. I feel truly alone, but at least I need to tell myself alone is better than anxiety waiting for Brook to finally respond to me when he's too busy working or out to eat until 11pm. Barely ever able to tell me about the unique facets of his day but rather to see if I am around later in the week. Later, later, later, never..

Regardless, this is the first full day that I haven't heard from Brook, and it is probably one of the worst in my life.

It makes me so sad to be here at home and see that the flowers Brook bought me last week are still alive, and that soon enough they will wilt and die, like my relationship that is now gone. I can't bear the fleetingness of it all.

Some departing moments from Brook yesterday will stick with me though. For instance,  I trembled and cried and felt the worst physical pain in my life onset by tears, and he was stoic. Not only was he stoic, but when he pushed me for the 20th time in the past week to break up with him, and when I finally did, under the premise that the next 20 conversations would just lead to the same horrid moment, one of his comments was, "Damn, I guess no sex for me for a month." And then, silently, he left for the gym.

If a moment were ever taken away from me, I guess that would be one of them. I felt like Brook had pre-allocated a timeframe for me and had been planning to get to the gym all along. I wasn't letting go of him yesterday becuase I really didn't want to. I felt like I was getting a real hug that I really needed from him for a very long time, and it hurts that the moment I get it was the last one. So I have to sit with that for a good bit.

Anyway, Brook, thank you for destroying me so hard. Instilling in me a cult-like sense of hope, that I still cling onto. I like to believe that I have tried hard to show you that I am loyal to your well-being, but I am not sure if that message ever delivered to you. I truly apologize for not being all that you wish I could be, and I regret my failure in not making you feel secure enough to accept me. I want to lavish you with more love still, but sometimes I wonder if you would have truly ever let me.

For now, pain and tears persist. I love you. Good night. 

I don't know where to begin, really.

When we met, you were a less mature version of yourself for sure, but you were also completely someone else. You liked to cook, relax, and play guitar. You smiled a lot, you had cute goofy hair, and you were always late to class. I liked your carefree attitude and the way you had a natural wonder about the universe that felt authentic. Happy, offbeat vibes for sure. 

Today, you scream and flip out on me if we are late to whatever because you don't want to look bad, and the way you count seconds gives me anxiety attacks. You have the fulltime job with the fulltime responsibilities, but you zap the joy out of everything that isn't a job anymore. Your smile no longer brightens a room or the mood for that matter, and I can't say I dig the clothes that reek with insecurity. You now only like science when it can help fill voids in your strategic and staged conversations- when you watch bits and pieces

written 7/25/18