The past day has honestly sucked for me. Some people who try to comfort me say that this is part of the process and that I'm normal to have feelings, but it feels worse than just feelings. I feel like I want to kill myself.
I'm too tired to write much for now, but to recap, I cried all night, dreamt about him and cried, woke up and cried, and tried to choke back tears as I encountered things throughout the day that triggered me. It was heartbreaking to watch couples hug and kiss on TV, and watch my lab partner text his girlfriend whose name is bedazzled with hearts on his phone. I feel truly alone, but at least I need to tell myself alone is better than anxiety waiting for Brook to finally respond to me when he's too busy working or out to eat until 11pm. Barely ever able to tell me about the unique facets of his day but rather to see if I am around later in the week. Later, later, later, never..
Regardless, this is the first full day that I haven't heard from Brook, and it is probably one of the worst in my life.
It makes me so sad to be here at home and see that the flowers Brook bought me last week are still alive, and that soon enough they will wilt and die, like my relationship that is now gone. I can't bear the fleetingness of it all.
Some departing moments from Brook yesterday will stick with me though. For instance, I trembled and cried and felt the worst physical pain in my life onset by tears, and he was stoic. Not only was he stoic, but when he pushed me for the 20th time in the past week to break up with him, and when I finally did, under the premise that the next 20 conversations would just lead to the same horrid moment, one of his comments was, "Damn, I guess no sex for me for a month." And then, silently, he left for the gym.
If a moment were ever taken away from me, I guess that would be one of them. I felt like Brook had pre-allocated a timeframe for me and had been planning to get to the gym all along. I wasn't letting go of him yesterday becuase I really didn't want to. I felt like I was getting a real hug that I really needed from him for a very long time, and it hurts that the moment I get it was the last one. So I have to sit with that for a good bit.
Anyway, Brook, thank you for destroying me so hard. Instilling in me a cult-like sense of hope, that I still cling onto. I like to believe that I have tried hard to show you that I am loyal to your well-being, but I am not sure if that message ever delivered to you. I truly apologize for not being all that you wish I could be, and I regret my failure in not making you feel secure enough to accept me. I want to lavish you with more love still, but sometimes I wonder if you would have truly ever let me.
For now, pain and tears persist. I love you. Good night.
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