Today was calmer, but none the less still a challenge. I got through the test and am accepting of any result, and I went to work with Dan for the first time in over a week. I noticed that I started singing on the car ride back tonight and felt a little at peace until I remembered that today is Thursday. I guess that means you're back for the weekend.
But then I had to juxtapose last week to this week. At this time last week, I had already got myself the strength to try to prove to you that you mean something to me, and despite any trepidation, I made my way down to your home for what I hoped to be a cozy night and the start of a new happy spin to what had been an ongoing issue in the relationship. But it only took until the moment for me to walk in for you to be upset with me. You were upset that I didn't show enough excitement when I saw you, and from there, you kept putting me on the spot whether or not I wanted to break up. And I sobbed all night, only for you to leave immediately in the morning.
The fact that you thought I didn't want to sleep over even felt worse. Today, I am genuinely sorry again that I did not seem super excited when you grabbed me, and while I wish I treated you better that night, I guess I'm glad I'm not in your presence with you projecting your frustrations on me. I hang on to the idea too much of what it would be like to just have peaceful merry conversations about a day's whereabouts without feeling like you weren't listening but rather teeming with some kind of anger. I wish I could arrive to your house not tense in worry.
And I wish I had a deeper and more secure relationship with you, and that there were things about me that you actually would have liked to learn about. C'est la vie..
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