Day Two

Day two has also sucked. I still feel like a terrible person, and I just wish I could have made you feel better. Made you feel less insecure and more capable of being happy. I wish that when I gave you hugs and the type of affection I have to offer, it was enough for you. But I feel deeply saddened that you still couldn't tell that I was there for you.

I uploaded the Bermuda photos today, and felt melancholic in the process. I see pain in the photos a little bit even though we tried our best to enjoy paradise. It hurts my feelings that when I asked you to upload our pictures, but instead you only uploaded five photos of just me; and not all of them are even in Bermuda. I wonder if it was an accident, but I also wonder if you were sending a passive aggressive message to me. Suggesting that I didn't care to see photos of you as well.

I wonder if I am silly for loving you. Like, I wonder if I should even regret this situation. When it becomes October 15th or so, will you be scrambling to fit in as many last minute plans in possible? Will this break become a relief to you?

I flitter back and forth between our unbreakable bond and reality. Today I read online that people who spend long times in long distance relationships tend to over-idealize their partners; do I do that to you and do you do that to me?  I try to imagine what will change when we are reunited. Would you even want to marry me? I am starting to look for that caliber of love and mystery, but I know you're a year younger than me and probably wouldn't realistically be ready for those connotations. I think I mostly would be if it weren't for this broke and worthless degree thing I have going. But I still would have to wonder if you would be comfortable being yourself currently as a married man.

Anyway, I have to keep this one short again. Tomorrow is my first chemistry exam. There's another thing I wish I was less selfish about; I don't feel like I need help, but I feel guilty that I kept resisting your offer. You kept saying, "you won't let your own boyfriend help you." I felt crummy when I heard that. I'm sorry that I said no. I hope tomorrow is the first day of many that I prove to myself my own worth.

I feel a chill down my left arm, and it's in my head, but I am imagining that an apparition from the spirit world is trying to provide me comfort tonight as I cry and write this. It wants to tell me that it can reach me because a demon has been extinguished from my life. And that I am loved by all the yin in the universe at this very moment.

I need to go to bed though, for the best interest of tomorrow. I hope to write a deep analysis on here soon, but for now, I still love you. I love your kind inner spirit, and I send you what love I have left in me.