2020~

 Dear Brook, 

At this point, it's almost been a year of silence between you and I, and for that, I am grateful. Around this time last year, I noticed that Tanya posted a cryptic photo that looked like you and Anna under a wooden arch, and I thought maybe you were engaged but possibly married too. When you posted that you were married two weeks ago and have been, I therefore wasn't the most surprised. If anything, I am relieved and happy for you. It's a relationship that made sense to me in idea, and I believe it will pan out in reality too, much like that idea of us apart. Glad you feel free to express your love. I am grateful too to see an actualized consequence to a major decision I was able to make at a point where I felt too weak to make any decisions altogether. I have become a much stronger person due to it. 

The easiest way for me to be grateful for my freedom is when I imagine what alternate universes would have panned out by now if we were to have continued. Maybe it's a self-serving prophecy, but realistically, if you can marry someone who was strictly "your friend" that easily, I believe our relationship would have deteriorated further than it did. I like to believe the ending was a preservation of what was good, full. Deep in a coveted part of my heart, there is a faint, maudlin warmth at the memory of us finishing our adventure on the beautiful island of Bermuda at the end, walking together quietly along the most beautiful coastline I've ever seen in my entire life. No one else I would have wanted to experience that with, and in a way, I died there, happy. 

Reborn from then, you should know that I carry your thoughts, beliefs, ideologies, and passion for life with me as I become more the person I want to be every day. You are thought of always, and you will always be loved.

Thank you. Thank you forever. 

February: Post-Apocalyptic Valentine's Day

Dear Brook,

It's been another month since I've talked to you again, and I miss you. Everything really is starting to feel like a strange dream, and time is really starting to pick up. I successfully did not contact you during Valentine's Day, nor did you say anything to me. It's easy for me to wonder whether or not it was difficult for you as it was for me, but I continue to wonder if it's all because I am the one in control here.

As I imagine myself being in control of this breakup, I keep the door closed. I keep that damn door shut because the flooding of emotions, stress-- Pandora's box, seems like a challenge not worth it to me. In fact, whenever I even imagine texting you, I already anticipate some sort of anger. I wouldn't know what to say and anxiety creeps in as I think of what has happened in times that have passed.

Since the last post, I have fallen deeper in love with Robby, and knowing that I cannot mull over our past since the future is here, I shut the door further and embrace the present. I want to give him all of me. His essence is truly pure love, and my time with him so far has given me a new reason to live. I feel completely at ease with him, and my desire to love him has brought about a new sense of gentleness in my soul. I notice in my moments with him a shift in dynamics where I feel more accepting and accepted of. I am not immediately in a defensive position upon seeing him like I was with you towards the end, but rather, I just feel like I could hug him and smile forever. It feels droll just to write that. 

While I reminiscence on our adventures, I previously have questioned my role as a person of depth in your life juxtaposed to a person who plays a role in a scene that you imagine to be an ideal in your life. Was I a person you holistically loved? Or was I a person who fit the role of travel partner? I'm sure you may answer both. With Robby, I feel like I matter without all the extraneous wants in life. I think while it would be nice if he and I did adventure someday, we would have a good time without that. But all the good times we have had doing nothing have far surmounted  everything else in life.

And so, I feel like myself again and I feel like I am choosing love.

December

Hey Brook,

I mean here we are. This is absolutely wild, but it feels okay. What is life now? Well, I don't know. In a sense it is a bad dream because it all feels unreal, but I think it is most certainly a wakeup call for me.

I realized recently that some of the only people who stay in contact with me are just flirtatious boys, and I think about the existential dread related to the idea that one day I will be old and they will be married, and we will most certainly not speak since these are temporary relationships by nature. I want an understanding of what isn't temporary, and I do genuinely hope that the bond we once formed is one of those things. I am going to work on what is stable in my life for now.

It's sad to me that at by what I consider the middle of our relationship, we were already starting to become strangers. I reread some of the things I wrote on here, and I realize that I genuinely did not get to fully see certain sides of you and your character development. I wish I knew you when you were in Wisconsin, and I wish I knew more of the Brook who lives and spends so much time in NYC. But I suppose this separation has started to lead me to feel my own soul again, and while I genuinely feel like I am in chaos, the creativity I'm starting to experience in my nights alone accidentally ignoring everyone and exacerbating my problems is somewhat exciting. This world right here that I'm experiencing-- I feel like it's something that you never really got to know, and for a while I shut it off. But it feels placid. I feel like if I clean up my messes, good things will happen still. That's a good feeling. But I need to try.

I am dating Robby now, and I feel love towards him. Maybe not the same kind of love I felt when I was swept off my feet by my still favorite person in the world, Ryan, but I think there's a powerful bond that I have with Robby. I like that he's carefree and cute and messy and plays guitar, much like how I described you back in the day. So maybe things complete a full circle. I am sorry I rejected you so hard, and I wish things were different. At the most, I hope you know that through this all, you are loved whole-heartedly. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Ride or die,
Jess

Day 12 or Something~

Day 12 almost marks the halfway point. And here I am spending another depressing weekend at home, but it's a little bit better because my cousin Zachary is here from Brooklyn. I was happy to see him sleeping on the couch with my cat tonight watching old films with my dad.

October has historically been a magical month for me, and I want to make sure that it continues to be so. That being said, I definitely have to make an effort to get out and enjoy it in full. I am mostly recovered from the break at this point besides the gaping hole in my life, and I think I really need to be proactive about changing that now.

I am going to take on Online Nutrition just to get that out of the way, and while I continue my chemistry course, I am going to seriously inquire at a few schools about applying for my masters in Quantitative Methods. This week I will make a goal to contact a few of my Temple Professors to just start words. What happened with nursing? I'm not done with it yet; rather, I want to provide ample opportunities to move out as quickly as possible. I realized recently, through starting with this chemistry course again, that while I love the idea of being a counselor or social worker, my life would be incomplete without math taking precedence again.  I want to learn from my mistake of being a loser who sits at home eating year round and despising my penny-pincher job to make sure I can guarantee myself a future and be on the forefront of it.

It is cool that I have time to think about these things now that Brook is gone, sucking the life out of me. I'm still in the beginning stages of living of course, but I really am ready for change. That isn't vacation planning when I simply cannot vacation plan since life isn't planned out. The hard part is imagining him moving on, but I will be selfless in that way if he is.

So true ideas for future majors: biostatistics, nursing, physics, engineering, mathematics, quantitative methods, bioengineering, mechanical engineering, law

Ideas for future enjoyment: Philosophy club, pick up music lessons, pick up fitness class closer to home, vegan cooking

Day 8

Twenty days left of no speaking. A week has already passed, and I'm not quite sure what to think. I've made some revelations about my life, whether they are good or bad--- I don't know.

For one, I think that after reading the energy vampire book, I most definitely think my mom fits the bill. Now that she doesn't have Brook to complain about, I just hear how she speaks about everyone else, and it drives me MAD. I'm tired of hearing the locust of her narcissistic thoughts getting directed at how terrible some of her coworkers are. I'm sure that they do indeed suck, but the way she talks about all the things she does right and how she hasn't done anything to escalate the situation is incredibly short-sighted. I know how she is with her glares, her coldness, and in ironic light to to how much she thinks others conspire against her and talk about her, her constant criticisms of everyone else. I don't know if I would find her personally tolerable to work with as I reflect upon things, and it seems like her clique of people is just as bad, although slightly less brusque, as the group she hates.

And I just have heard other homophobic and racist commentary out of her mouth lately that I've found intolerable. She may not realize it, but I find that I don't want to talk to her today because I heard her refer to someone as queer as an insult today. I don't find that acceptable at all.

So I've felt an increased need to escape this unhealthy environment, but I've also realized that escaping to the unhealthy environment that is governed by Brook doesn't resolve the situation. I just need to get away period.

My anxiety has been way down and it feels nice to have spare time-- almost too nice and too obvious that I need to restructure my schedule more so that I feel that I have power in my life again. I'm getting ready to make big changes if I can. I plan to actively apply to medical assistant jobs and consider CNA training over the winter break (if that pays more than genesis healthcare) to start getting my foot into the door to make this a reality. I have read mixed reviews about the field online, but it will keep me alive, which is kind of important right now. If I can find a good psych program with quantitative training for newbies, I will consider that too. But I really think it should be of value of me to use this time to fix my time.

And eat healthier since I now can. My pizza and cliff bars today was absolutely embarrassing. Oh well. I will do some walking tonight to work it off.

Brook, I really have no idea what you're doing now. But, I feel like when I assume the worse, than I am okay with this. When I think you may really miss me, I wonder. I wonder if you also may feel that you are better off too though. You could pursue someone who can do more than dead end jobs with a knack for ideas and brilliance. Who knows though. I wish all were different 

Day Three

Today was calmer, but none the less still a challenge. I got through the test and am accepting of any result, and I went to work with Dan for the first time in over a week. I noticed that I started singing on the car ride back tonight and felt a little at peace until I remembered that today is Thursday. I guess that means you're back for the weekend.

But then I had to juxtapose last week to this week. At this time last week, I had already got myself the strength to try to prove to you that you mean something to me, and despite any trepidation, I made my way down to your home for what I hoped to be a cozy night and the start of a new happy spin to what had been an ongoing issue in the relationship. But it only took until the moment for me to walk in for you to be upset with me. You were upset that I didn't show enough excitement when I saw you, and from there, you kept putting me on the spot whether or not I wanted to break up. And I sobbed all night, only for you to leave immediately in the morning.

The fact that you thought I didn't want to sleep over even felt worse. Today, I am genuinely sorry again that I did not seem super excited when you grabbed me, and while I wish I treated you better that night, I guess I'm glad I'm not in your presence with you projecting your frustrations on me. I hang on to the idea too much of what it would be like to just have peaceful merry conversations about a day's whereabouts without feeling like you weren't listening but rather teeming with some kind of anger. I wish I could arrive to your house not tense in worry.

And I wish I had a deeper and more secure relationship with you, and that there were things about me that you actually would have liked to learn about. C'est la vie..

Day Two

Day two has also sucked. I still feel like a terrible person, and I just wish I could have made you feel better. Made you feel less insecure and more capable of being happy. I wish that when I gave you hugs and the type of affection I have to offer, it was enough for you. But I feel deeply saddened that you still couldn't tell that I was there for you.

I uploaded the Bermuda photos today, and felt melancholic in the process. I see pain in the photos a little bit even though we tried our best to enjoy paradise. It hurts my feelings that when I asked you to upload our pictures, but instead you only uploaded five photos of just me; and not all of them are even in Bermuda. I wonder if it was an accident, but I also wonder if you were sending a passive aggressive message to me. Suggesting that I didn't care to see photos of you as well.

I wonder if I am silly for loving you. Like, I wonder if I should even regret this situation. When it becomes October 15th or so, will you be scrambling to fit in as many last minute plans in possible? Will this break become a relief to you?

I flitter back and forth between our unbreakable bond and reality. Today I read online that people who spend long times in long distance relationships tend to over-idealize their partners; do I do that to you and do you do that to me?  I try to imagine what will change when we are reunited. Would you even want to marry me? I am starting to look for that caliber of love and mystery, but I know you're a year younger than me and probably wouldn't realistically be ready for those connotations. I think I mostly would be if it weren't for this broke and worthless degree thing I have going. But I still would have to wonder if you would be comfortable being yourself currently as a married man.

Anyway, I have to keep this one short again. Tomorrow is my first chemistry exam. There's another thing I wish I was less selfish about; I don't feel like I need help, but I feel guilty that I kept resisting your offer. You kept saying, "you won't let your own boyfriend help you." I felt crummy when I heard that. I'm sorry that I said no. I hope tomorrow is the first day of many that I prove to myself my own worth.

I feel a chill down my left arm, and it's in my head, but I am imagining that an apparition from the spirit world is trying to provide me comfort tonight as I cry and write this. It wants to tell me that it can reach me because a demon has been extinguished from my life. And that I am loved by all the yin in the universe at this very moment.

I need to go to bed though, for the best interest of tomorrow. I hope to write a deep analysis on here soon, but for now, I still love you. I love your kind inner spirit, and I send you what love I have left in me.