December

Hey Brook,

I mean here we are. This is absolutely wild, but it feels okay. What is life now? Well, I don't know. In a sense it is a bad dream because it all feels unreal, but I think it is most certainly a wakeup call for me.

I realized recently that some of the only people who stay in contact with me are just flirtatious boys, and I think about the existential dread related to the idea that one day I will be old and they will be married, and we will most certainly not speak since these are temporary relationships by nature. I want an understanding of what isn't temporary, and I do genuinely hope that the bond we once formed is one of those things. I am going to work on what is stable in my life for now.

It's sad to me that at by what I consider the middle of our relationship, we were already starting to become strangers. I reread some of the things I wrote on here, and I realize that I genuinely did not get to fully see certain sides of you and your character development. I wish I knew you when you were in Wisconsin, and I wish I knew more of the Brook who lives and spends so much time in NYC. But I suppose this separation has started to lead me to feel my own soul again, and while I genuinely feel like I am in chaos, the creativity I'm starting to experience in my nights alone accidentally ignoring everyone and exacerbating my problems is somewhat exciting. This world right here that I'm experiencing-- I feel like it's something that you never really got to know, and for a while I shut it off. But it feels placid. I feel like if I clean up my messes, good things will happen still. That's a good feeling. But I need to try.

I am dating Robby now, and I feel love towards him. Maybe not the same kind of love I felt when I was swept off my feet by my still favorite person in the world, Ryan, but I think there's a powerful bond that I have with Robby. I like that he's carefree and cute and messy and plays guitar, much like how I described you back in the day. So maybe things complete a full circle. I am sorry I rejected you so hard, and I wish things were different. At the most, I hope you know that through this all, you are loved whole-heartedly. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Ride or die,
Jess

Day 12 or Something~

Day 12 almost marks the halfway point. And here I am spending another depressing weekend at home, but it's a little bit better because my cousin Zachary is here from Brooklyn. I was happy to see him sleeping on the couch with my cat tonight watching old films with my dad.

October has historically been a magical month for me, and I want to make sure that it continues to be so. That being said, I definitely have to make an effort to get out and enjoy it in full. I am mostly recovered from the break at this point besides the gaping hole in my life, and I think I really need to be proactive about changing that now.

I am going to take on Online Nutrition just to get that out of the way, and while I continue my chemistry course, I am going to seriously inquire at a few schools about applying for my masters in Quantitative Methods. This week I will make a goal to contact a few of my Temple Professors to just start words. What happened with nursing? I'm not done with it yet; rather, I want to provide ample opportunities to move out as quickly as possible. I realized recently, through starting with this chemistry course again, that while I love the idea of being a counselor or social worker, my life would be incomplete without math taking precedence again.  I want to learn from my mistake of being a loser who sits at home eating year round and despising my penny-pincher job to make sure I can guarantee myself a future and be on the forefront of it.

It is cool that I have time to think about these things now that Brook is gone, sucking the life out of me. I'm still in the beginning stages of living of course, but I really am ready for change. That isn't vacation planning when I simply cannot vacation plan since life isn't planned out. The hard part is imagining him moving on, but I will be selfless in that way if he is.

So true ideas for future majors: biostatistics, nursing, physics, engineering, mathematics, quantitative methods, bioengineering, mechanical engineering, law

Ideas for future enjoyment: Philosophy club, pick up music lessons, pick up fitness class closer to home, vegan cooking

Day 8

Twenty days left of no speaking. A week has already passed, and I'm not quite sure what to think. I've made some revelations about my life, whether they are good or bad--- I don't know.

For one, I think that after reading the energy vampire book, I most definitely think my mom fits the bill. Now that she doesn't have Brook to complain about, I just hear how she speaks about everyone else, and it drives me MAD. I'm tired of hearing the locust of her narcissistic thoughts getting directed at how terrible some of her coworkers are. I'm sure that they do indeed suck, but the way she talks about all the things she does right and how she hasn't done anything to escalate the situation is incredibly short-sighted. I know how she is with her glares, her coldness, and in ironic light to to how much she thinks others conspire against her and talk about her, her constant criticisms of everyone else. I don't know if I would find her personally tolerable to work with as I reflect upon things, and it seems like her clique of people is just as bad, although slightly less brusque, as the group she hates.

And I just have heard other homophobic and racist commentary out of her mouth lately that I've found intolerable. She may not realize it, but I find that I don't want to talk to her today because I heard her refer to someone as queer as an insult today. I don't find that acceptable at all.

So I've felt an increased need to escape this unhealthy environment, but I've also realized that escaping to the unhealthy environment that is governed by Brook doesn't resolve the situation. I just need to get away period.

My anxiety has been way down and it feels nice to have spare time-- almost too nice and too obvious that I need to restructure my schedule more so that I feel that I have power in my life again. I'm getting ready to make big changes if I can. I plan to actively apply to medical assistant jobs and consider CNA training over the winter break (if that pays more than genesis healthcare) to start getting my foot into the door to make this a reality. I have read mixed reviews about the field online, but it will keep me alive, which is kind of important right now. If I can find a good psych program with quantitative training for newbies, I will consider that too. But I really think it should be of value of me to use this time to fix my time.

And eat healthier since I now can. My pizza and cliff bars today was absolutely embarrassing. Oh well. I will do some walking tonight to work it off.

Brook, I really have no idea what you're doing now. But, I feel like when I assume the worse, than I am okay with this. When I think you may really miss me, I wonder. I wonder if you also may feel that you are better off too though. You could pursue someone who can do more than dead end jobs with a knack for ideas and brilliance. Who knows though. I wish all were different 

Day Three

Today was calmer, but none the less still a challenge. I got through the test and am accepting of any result, and I went to work with Dan for the first time in over a week. I noticed that I started singing on the car ride back tonight and felt a little at peace until I remembered that today is Thursday. I guess that means you're back for the weekend.

But then I had to juxtapose last week to this week. At this time last week, I had already got myself the strength to try to prove to you that you mean something to me, and despite any trepidation, I made my way down to your home for what I hoped to be a cozy night and the start of a new happy spin to what had been an ongoing issue in the relationship. But it only took until the moment for me to walk in for you to be upset with me. You were upset that I didn't show enough excitement when I saw you, and from there, you kept putting me on the spot whether or not I wanted to break up. And I sobbed all night, only for you to leave immediately in the morning.

The fact that you thought I didn't want to sleep over even felt worse. Today, I am genuinely sorry again that I did not seem super excited when you grabbed me, and while I wish I treated you better that night, I guess I'm glad I'm not in your presence with you projecting your frustrations on me. I hang on to the idea too much of what it would be like to just have peaceful merry conversations about a day's whereabouts without feeling like you weren't listening but rather teeming with some kind of anger. I wish I could arrive to your house not tense in worry.

And I wish I had a deeper and more secure relationship with you, and that there were things about me that you actually would have liked to learn about. C'est la vie..

Day Two

Day two has also sucked. I still feel like a terrible person, and I just wish I could have made you feel better. Made you feel less insecure and more capable of being happy. I wish that when I gave you hugs and the type of affection I have to offer, it was enough for you. But I feel deeply saddened that you still couldn't tell that I was there for you.

I uploaded the Bermuda photos today, and felt melancholic in the process. I see pain in the photos a little bit even though we tried our best to enjoy paradise. It hurts my feelings that when I asked you to upload our pictures, but instead you only uploaded five photos of just me; and not all of them are even in Bermuda. I wonder if it was an accident, but I also wonder if you were sending a passive aggressive message to me. Suggesting that I didn't care to see photos of you as well.

I wonder if I am silly for loving you. Like, I wonder if I should even regret this situation. When it becomes October 15th or so, will you be scrambling to fit in as many last minute plans in possible? Will this break become a relief to you?

I flitter back and forth between our unbreakable bond and reality. Today I read online that people who spend long times in long distance relationships tend to over-idealize their partners; do I do that to you and do you do that to me?  I try to imagine what will change when we are reunited. Would you even want to marry me? I am starting to look for that caliber of love and mystery, but I know you're a year younger than me and probably wouldn't realistically be ready for those connotations. I think I mostly would be if it weren't for this broke and worthless degree thing I have going. But I still would have to wonder if you would be comfortable being yourself currently as a married man.

Anyway, I have to keep this one short again. Tomorrow is my first chemistry exam. There's another thing I wish I was less selfish about; I don't feel like I need help, but I feel guilty that I kept resisting your offer. You kept saying, "you won't let your own boyfriend help you." I felt crummy when I heard that. I'm sorry that I said no. I hope tomorrow is the first day of many that I prove to myself my own worth.

I feel a chill down my left arm, and it's in my head, but I am imagining that an apparition from the spirit world is trying to provide me comfort tonight as I cry and write this. It wants to tell me that it can reach me because a demon has been extinguished from my life. And that I am loved by all the yin in the universe at this very moment.

I need to go to bed though, for the best interest of tomorrow. I hope to write a deep analysis on here soon, but for now, I still love you. I love your kind inner spirit, and I send you what love I have left in me.

Day Zero/Day One

The past day has honestly sucked for me. Some people who try to comfort me say that this is part of the process and that I'm normal to have feelings, but it feels worse than just feelings. I feel like I want to kill myself.

I'm too tired to write much for now, but to recap, I cried all night, dreamt about him and cried, woke up and cried, and tried to choke back tears as I encountered things throughout the day that triggered me. It was heartbreaking to watch couples hug and kiss on TV, and watch my lab partner text his girlfriend whose name is bedazzled with hearts on his phone. I feel truly alone, but at least I need to tell myself alone is better than anxiety waiting for Brook to finally respond to me when he's too busy working or out to eat until 11pm. Barely ever able to tell me about the unique facets of his day but rather to see if I am around later in the week. Later, later, later, never..

Regardless, this is the first full day that I haven't heard from Brook, and it is probably one of the worst in my life.

It makes me so sad to be here at home and see that the flowers Brook bought me last week are still alive, and that soon enough they will wilt and die, like my relationship that is now gone. I can't bear the fleetingness of it all.

Some departing moments from Brook yesterday will stick with me though. For instance,  I trembled and cried and felt the worst physical pain in my life onset by tears, and he was stoic. Not only was he stoic, but when he pushed me for the 20th time in the past week to break up with him, and when I finally did, under the premise that the next 20 conversations would just lead to the same horrid moment, one of his comments was, "Damn, I guess no sex for me for a month." And then, silently, he left for the gym.

If a moment were ever taken away from me, I guess that would be one of them. I felt like Brook had pre-allocated a timeframe for me and had been planning to get to the gym all along. I wasn't letting go of him yesterday becuase I really didn't want to. I felt like I was getting a real hug that I really needed from him for a very long time, and it hurts that the moment I get it was the last one. So I have to sit with that for a good bit.

Anyway, Brook, thank you for destroying me so hard. Instilling in me a cult-like sense of hope, that I still cling onto. I like to believe that I have tried hard to show you that I am loyal to your well-being, but I am not sure if that message ever delivered to you. I truly apologize for not being all that you wish I could be, and I regret my failure in not making you feel secure enough to accept me. I want to lavish you with more love still, but sometimes I wonder if you would have truly ever let me.

For now, pain and tears persist. I love you. Good night. 

I don't know where to begin, really.

When we met, you were a less mature version of yourself for sure, but you were also completely someone else. You liked to cook, relax, and play guitar. You smiled a lot, you had cute goofy hair, and you were always late to class. I liked your carefree attitude and the way you had a natural wonder about the universe that felt authentic. Happy, offbeat vibes for sure. 

Today, you scream and flip out on me if we are late to whatever because you don't want to look bad, and the way you count seconds gives me anxiety attacks. You have the fulltime job with the fulltime responsibilities, but you zap the joy out of everything that isn't a job anymore. Your smile no longer brightens a room or the mood for that matter, and I can't say I dig the clothes that reek with insecurity. You now only like science when it can help fill voids in your strategic and staged conversations- when you watch bits and pieces

written 7/25/18

Loving you

I love you, yet you frustrate the shit out of me. I do think long term we would still have problems, even if we're perfect for each other. I mean, we're both problematic; two wrongs don't always make a right. 

You find problems with small things and give up too soon. I think focusing on the positives will bring you much farther, but it will take time and the ability to let go of things. 

I try to imagine what I could have said to you yesterday which could have been different. Yeah, I'd say, don't blame me as the sole sources of your problems. Even with all the drama and loose strings that come with me in your life, I like to believe that the awfulness that you allegedly feel as a result of this situation is less bad than how you feel when you're alone and feeling awful. Yes I could be completely wrong; no, I'm not discounting your feelings. Yes, you and I both probably don't even know what the absence of this situation feels like anymore, even when we try. No, I don't want to go back to those days before it all began. 

I'm selfish here for sure, but I could have been a responsible "friend" if you were willing to as well. I'd also be willing to be a completely irresponsible "friend" as well; as a fellow human, I completely support your decisions to act recklessly, make mistakes, and make miracles along the way. 

Point is--  It doesn't have to be the Cold War. But since friendship is not a mutual thing here, the only mutual thing is that we both want you to be happier. SO. That means I don't get to do friend things with you like we were supposed to tomorrow. Like damn, would I love to go on a date with you out to dinner and to see a movie. A dream really. I accept it; there's no way for me to truly know, but my gut tells me that you're blaming me for internal emptiness that was already there.  

  It makes me feel shitty that the last time I will see you for a long time will be a come late leave early affair. I guess you came late into my life and will leave early, too. ;/ 

Love, 

Dinner for One, Drunk on Love, Watching a candle wane, War and Peace

Freedom.

Fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I don't talk like this in real life; don't worry, Ms. Employer (I'm pretty fucking prudent to the point of not being fun, actually; see also: asceticism).

As someone amidst identity crisis, I can guarantee one fundamental truth right now, and that is: despite all my past failures, my eating disorder, my shitty relationships, and my inability to compete with people who function "on my level" measured by standardized tests, GPA, and other bullshit, I have gone through this at quite a young age. -->

That said, while everyone is mis-en-res the rat race of life that I may be "behind" in, I am detached and free, and I have transcended to a level of spirituality, peace, and awareness that most people will need a lifetime of trial and error to ever dream of experiencing (and so I am truly ahead). I have learned not to give a FUCK and not internalize status quo and keeping up with the Jones Kardashians, and that being said, every day is a beautiful day for me, no matter what. Truthfully, everything is a construct, and nothing matters unless we choose to make it matter.

And what is artificial "matter" except something we let occupy our minds that does not genuinely take up space? What "matters" to us typically isn't matter, eh? Except the people we love, but that's a whole other story.

It's good to be free. I am not worrying about small questions on the upcoming exam. I am not worrying whether my food is low-carb. I am not worrying whether social media approves of what I did last night. I am not worrying if you do not love me back.

I worry these days just about how I am going to stay alive financially, how I personally will continue to enjoy my gift of life which I am forever thankful for, and how to show my loved ones how much I care. Some of these goals of mine require engaging in the real world, which I've been over for quite some time now, but it's not about me or how great I will be; it's about showing my appreciation to the planet and people I love so much.

And that just gives my heart fucking wings. 



 

Open Letter MB

Dear MB,


It's really okay, and at this point, I'm already over it.

Today confused me, but I am not angry at all. I suppose I'm too much of a prude for you, but can you blame me really?

I remember almost five years ago when we all went to the beach together, and you two were making out while everyone else sat in silence. I never felt so lonely in my life.

But does that mean that I would ever want to date you? No, absolutely not. I need to find my own love, and I cannot disassociate you with those times, especially since it's clear to me that you're not over her today. You told me only two weeks ago that you were crying in the shower over her removing you from her life. But she removed you a few years ago, so you would have been over it by now if you were really over it.

I see that I would be a clear rebound for you, and even though I no longer talk to her either, I would not think twice about crossing a boundary as uncomfortable as dating her ex who she claims hurt her so badly. I never wanted your love or body from talking to you, and while you truly are a great guy, I never will.

When you first started talking to me, I thought you were just trying to sneak a way back into her life. And I still don't trust you, but any compassion that I did have for you at that time has extended to now in the present, where I still see you as someone of extraordinary potential not deserving of any of the pain that you've been through.

However, I do not forgive you for any of the mediocrity you put me through back when I first met you. I don't think it's your fault rather than collectively both of your faults, but I am happier to move on from that situation altogether. I don't want to think of the time you both whipped your sex toy drawer out or the time you ruined everyone's trip by sulking in the car. I don't want to think of the foam party at Haverford when you guys ditched me and laughed at me for maybe having sex with that guy on the baseball team (I didn't by the way). I don't want to think of the things you said about her mom, and I don't want to think of the once or twice I got to see your ex alone during the whole two year relationship-- when she just shit talked you the entire time in a shitty dunkin donuts. And then I don't want to think of the only other time when I made her cry in whole foods because I was fed up. I don't even want to think of the ring that she tried to get back from you a year after the relationship ended. What a wench.

What a wench, but still, you will forever be "her boyfriend" to me, and that's it. That's what I see every time I look into your Alaskan blue eyes.

 So you're a wench too; sorry.

---

Furthermore, not talking to me will help you move on to the next chapter of your life. One where you can make goat cheese and pasta and save the world with your environmental engineering degree. One where the girl meant for you, who clearly isn't me or the person who used to be my best friend (and pain comes up as I say that-- I vividly remember her revoking ever calling me her best friend at the aforementioned shitty dunkin donuts), who will love spending her mornings cuddling with you and enjoying some amazing pancakes under a gentle everlasting sun. In Vermont of course. And you will go on nature hike and walks in New England along the coastline, maybe eating some clams, and from there travel the world together, possibly by horseback. Your oldest kid will not be a child, but a kid--- a baby goat! But your real kids will be adorable and talented.

I truly see and wish that for you. Let me know how it goes because hey guess what, I actually care about you and respect you enough to let that happen. You will be missed for now. Thank you for everything.